Posted by & filed under Astrology, Personal Growth.

As a child I had a fever dream of being Atlas without his strength, the earth crushing my body. The horror of the dream woke me with screams that would rival that of Janet Leigh. My Chiron return has left me with a similar kind of horror. There is no way out and there is no fixing the pain of the Chiron wound. You are simply fucked where Chiron impacts the natal birth chart.

This becomes abundantly clear during the Chiron return. While in the past there had been some consciousness of the wound, there was a break in understanding the impact of the wound. A minimization of its influence in my life, a cognitive dissonance or disassociation. The realizations of the Chiron return have been devastating, flavored with regret and grief. As the transit has moved along it has presented multilayers of awful and corruption. If this seems dramatic, it is because I want to validate others that may be struggling with this transit, that it is real, that I’m with you, but it does get better.

Chiron in Aries wounds the native by hampering one’s ability to advocate for oneself. Chiron Aries hampers one’s ability to form an autonomous view of the self. Where one is aspected, is the house and who is involved are the aspects.

I’ve been living with this transit for the past three years, which is an unusually long time, The Chiron return is a transit that lasts, on average, two years, but I have been blessed with the gift of an exceptionally long Chiron return through extended retrogrades and stations of the celestial body skimming my nine degrees Aries natal Chiron.

This has been the most painful and telling transit I can recall.

I once heard older astrologers joking about pre-Chiron return astrologers. It seemed rather haughty, and I didn’t take it seriously. Now I understand their point, as this transit has taught me more than any other. Although I do think there is good work that may be done before this transit, the humbling nature of its lessons has caused leaps and bounds in my personal growth. There is wisdom and compassion and hopefully insight in the pain.

As with most, but not all, my wound began in childhood. Through an abusive and toxic family of origin, violent and cold parents. A mother who would beat me, strangled me, call me “ugly” and “a whore.” A father who beat my mother with a fireplace poker in front of me and my brother, and then abandoned me. Time spent in group homes and children’s homes and all along believing it was what I deserved. This is the nature of abuse towards children, they internalize it, they (or I) believed I was damaged, unlovable, filled with shame. The internalization of this treatment manifested in anxiety, depression, self-sabotage and an inability to advocate for myself, especially in relationships.

There was a perpetual self-consciousness that was debilitating. I had failed, even through years of off-and-on therapy to make the connection between the abuse and the mental health issues. I was constantly wary that I was pathological. I had made great progress over the years in guarding my mental health and choosing companions that were gentle in nature, of adhering to my conscious but still struggling daily. Not until Chiron entered one degree Aries did I start to make real profound progress.

Over the years, and in many ways, I had tried to distance myself from my family of origin. I had tried to form healthy and enduring relationships and adapt as I learned and grew. That is why it struck me so dramatically as I walked into a family dinner where I wasn’t informed of the guest list, how poisonous and damaging my family of origin was to me. The Chiron wound is personal and how they have treated me feels deeply personal.

I am the scapegoat, the one that is the problem always. There is no date in which I wasn’t this person in the family dynamic. I was always my violent father’s daughter. I look like him, which is different than my three siblings, I am short, blond, and ugly. If I fail it is because I am inherently bad. If I do well, I need to be brought down and humiliated, or the accomplishment must be completely ignored. I have no redeeming qualities. This was the dynamic at play when I showed up to what I did not know was a family dinner.

Everyone who was in attendance stared with knitted brows as I was treated like a pariah. Family members refused to sit near me or acknowledge my presence, with active sneers and side eyes. The truth is, my mother was, and always has, bad mouthed me, lied about me in order to gain sympathy from others. Maybe I did something, maybe I didn’t do anything, and it was merely lies she told.

I’ve heard that I’ve robbed her, that I was walking the streets selling my body for crack. I’ve also heard her claim aspects of my identity as her own. She has sued me for custody of my son, claiming that I displayed behaviors she had inflicted upon me. I have heard her at length in front of me, literally, tell people how much she hates me and all the reasons why. She has trained my siblings to inflict this same kind of inhumane behavior upon me. It is a family sport. With that said, I am not a victim, I am a refugee, ostracized from a malignant home.

The way the family treated me at that dinner, one degree Aries Chiron, showed me the true source of what I thought was pathological within me. I instantly became paranoid, that my supportive husband would see me as my family of origin saw me. I understood or began to understand how the way I’d been treated early in life, had shaped it. It seems like it should be obvious, but what was normal seemed normal. I looked at my abusers with compassion, because I believed they deserved it and I did not. I took all the blame well into adulthood and in most of my relationships. I had no right to ask for more, or to set boundaries. It was the way I was trained.

The past three years I have been unpacking this unhealthy dynamic, as transiting Chiron skirts back and forth over my natal Chiron which squares my moon in the tenth house and opposes my Uranus first house. Chiron may feel more personal for me than it does for some.

I have changed dramatically through this transit. I have found a therapist who works with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have grieved what was, and what could have been. I have learned the true nature of humility, of my humanity. I have started to explore what it might be on the other side of this suffering. The most painful aspect is having raised my son with contact to that toxic environment, and from my hobbled state, the pain I have caused him.

I believe as painful as the transit has been I am pleased to be going through it. I don’t know if I had the emotional maturity to handle it before now. I didn’t have the support system. The pain or wound of a lost life and childhood is not something I can fix, but it is something I can accept. It guides me moving forward with love, hope and humility. I now understand the reality of a wound that cannot heal.

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